[& my epic fight with food is ongoing]

I'll win. One day.

The thing is, I've never wanted to be "skinny". I have shoulders like the Hulk. I have hip bones. The boobs aren't going away no matter how small I get. Ironically, my ideal body type is closer to:

than anything else. A little fluffy but enough to go forth and conquer. It also doesn't help that I think Jeff Saturday at his fluffy state was mad attractive but I digress. Point being, I value being able to play sports if I like over fitting into a bikini.

There was--is--a lot of self hatred in me when it comes to food. I crave the shit that I used to eat but I know it's not a good idea. And then I hate myself for wanting it in the first place. From years of yo-yo dieting and eating shitty food, my body loses weight slowly without working out. And the amount of excuses I can spin for not working out are amazing.

You wouldn't believe the shit your brain can come up with.

Still I want this like no other. I've always felt I could be a more determined person and that my will fails me at the moments when I need it the most. So. Will I relapse into 'consume-half-a-lb-of-fries'-ville or will I actually keep to the commitment that I need to be a healthier person? It's no secret that thinner people get promoted and hired over smaller people and have more opportunities. I'm denying myself by *not* denying myself. Or something.

I don't relish the idea of dieting. I love pushing myself physically. The feeling I have after a workout or practice is great (albeit painful). Just the food part has been my nemesis. That's the part I need to beat into submission much like how I take a linebacker. I will make your attempts feel puny and foolish, bread. You shall be banished from my life, soda. And pasta? Please exit stage left.

Keto is doable. Painful but doable. For the last month I've overhauled my life when it comes to food. I've lost about 10lbs (224.6 down to 214.2lbs). Do I miss cake and candy? You better damn believe it. So I learned how to cook with almond flour. It's not the same but it hits that craving. There's a lot of things I'm trying to do differently. Walking into Einstein's and Starbucks and just getting a black coffee with heavy cream and splenda is hell. Ordering a salad with no croutons at Panera Bread while staring at pastries and surrounded by the smell of baking bread is a special kind of hell.

It's just a matter of thinking to myself if that hell is equal to the hell I feel when not in the best condition I could be in.

The next step is working out. I don't know how that is going to work between work, school, and still trying to get the house in order. Maybe well. Maybe terrible. I won't know until I try.

Adrian Peterson tore his ACL and proceeded to win MVP the next year. Dan Marino did the same and took his team to the playoffs. Peyton Manning is half robot now and is pretty much playing like it. Tony Romo played through broken ribs. I know they're professional athletes and I don't get paid like them and have other shit to worry about but I respect it. It's my motivation.

How much motivation? Well, that remains to be seen.
  • Current Location: Palm Harbor - FL
  • Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
  • Current Music: Purple Rain - Prince