[& cosplaying because that's what I do now]

Not particularly *well* but it's what I do now.

To start, this was me finished for Halloween. I liked how it turned out but I'd make the spikes less bootleg.

Spawn New Beats by Coagula on deviantART

For Metro-con, I wanted to go as a husband-wife team of Panda and Kanat. I started working on Kanat first to see if a) I could take the heat and b) anything I learned could be used to help make Panda's costume as comfy as possible. He almost died playing Captain Ameri-mau5 of heat.

So I started first wit that mesh stuff and some duct tape, an old wash cloth, hot glue, and some furniture foam. The nose was clay.

After I covered it with fun fur and dollar weave from the black hair supply store, it looked like:

Later I added work on the chest piece:

Tauren Druid Cosplay Thunderheart WIP by Coagula on deviantART

And then added hair to my head. It's Inver's old Tifa wig + more Dollar weave. I had to pad out the back of the head to make that distinctive "Tauren hump". The jaw comes free though I think it might be a little big. I cut the braids short because Kanat's hair is like that in the game.

Kanat Head finished Profile by Coagula on deviantART

So that's what I have so far. I don't have arms yet on my costume because Metro-con is in July and Megacon is...NEXT WEEK!

I will be breathing the same air as Stan Lee and Jennifer Hale. I don't think that has sunk in. Anyway.

Because of the undertaking of making Kanat, Panda asked me to go small on this so I went with a Mau5 head since I can make them in about 6-9 hours.

Amaterasu-mau5 head WIP by Coagula on deviantART

Hey, I know it's supposed to be a mirror on her back but I'd be remiss if I didn't turn it into a record for the fact it's a DJ.

Now I'm trying to figure out the rest of my body. It's a fight but one I will win.

If I don't finish Kanat in time to do Panda, Panda will be Robert Baratheon. So there's that.

Good Night and Good Luck

[& my epic fight with food is ongoing]

I'll win. One day.

The thing is, I've never wanted to be "skinny". I have shoulders like the Hulk. I have hip bones. The boobs aren't going away no matter how small I get. Ironically, my ideal body type is closer to:

than anything else. A little fluffy but enough to go forth and conquer. It also doesn't help that I think Jeff Saturday at his fluffy state was mad attractive but I digress. Point being, I value being able to play sports if I like over fitting into a bikini.

There was--is--a lot of self hatred in me when it comes to food. I crave the shit that I used to eat but I know it's not a good idea. And then I hate myself for wanting it in the first place. From years of yo-yo dieting and eating shitty food, my body loses weight slowly without working out. And the amount of excuses I can spin for not working out are amazing.

You wouldn't believe the shit your brain can come up with.

Still I want this like no other. I've always felt I could be a more determined person and that my will fails me at the moments when I need it the most. So. Will I relapse into 'consume-half-a-lb-of-fries'-ville or will I actually keep to the commitment that I need to be a healthier person? It's no secret that thinner people get promoted and hired over smaller people and have more opportunities. I'm denying myself by *not* denying myself. Or something.

I don't relish the idea of dieting. I love pushing myself physically. The feeling I have after a workout or practice is great (albeit painful). Just the food part has been my nemesis. That's the part I need to beat into submission much like how I take a linebacker. I will make your attempts feel puny and foolish, bread. You shall be banished from my life, soda. And pasta? Please exit stage left.

Keto is doable. Painful but doable. For the last month I've overhauled my life when it comes to food. I've lost about 10lbs (224.6 down to 214.2lbs). Do I miss cake and candy? You better damn believe it. So I learned how to cook with almond flour. It's not the same but it hits that craving. There's a lot of things I'm trying to do differently. Walking into Einstein's and Starbucks and just getting a black coffee with heavy cream and splenda is hell. Ordering a salad with no croutons at Panera Bread while staring at pastries and surrounded by the smell of baking bread is a special kind of hell.

It's just a matter of thinking to myself if that hell is equal to the hell I feel when not in the best condition I could be in.

The next step is working out. I don't know how that is going to work between work, school, and still trying to get the house in order. Maybe well. Maybe terrible. I won't know until I try.

Adrian Peterson tore his ACL and proceeded to win MVP the next year. Dan Marino did the same and took his team to the playoffs. Peyton Manning is half robot now and is pretty much playing like it. Tony Romo played through broken ribs. I know they're professional athletes and I don't get paid like them and have other shit to worry about but I respect it. It's my motivation.

How much motivation? Well, that remains to be seen.

[& that serene sports place]

As usual, I turned on NBC Sports out of habit and awaited updates on football. It's preseason and yet those meaningless games hold some kind of sway over die-hard football fans. Since February we had been without the sport we crave and now it was back.

I did not choose to be a football fan--it was ingrained in my upbringing, my childhood, those happy memories watching Monday Night Football with Frank, Al, and Dan on the floor of our tiny one bedroom apartment, my grandma and I sharing cheetos. I did in a round about way choose to be a Dolphins fan. Though wrapped in aqua and orange at three hours old by my mother helped, watching Dan Marino lead a game winning drive against Cleveland as a 5 year old solidified it.

Now? My grandmother respected Dan Marino but she has always been a Colts fan. My mother is a Seahawks fan, abandoning the Dolphins after 10 years of futility. I, however remain out of sheer stubbornness, love, and possibly a masochistic streak that leads me to play the game of football with an abandon that concerns the people around me. Some people ask why and I can only shrug. Browns, Jags, and Vikings fans have it harder.

But as NBC Sports drones on about the HoF Game that was a complete disaster for the Miami Dolphins, it moves on to a topic near and dear to my hate. They interview Tom Brady about how he's "never felt better" and feels like "a 22 year old veteran. I waited for my instant reaction of a string of swear words to tumble from my brain to my mouth.

They never came.

And in that moment I realized I have come to regard Tom Brady with that same mixture of emotion inspired in cave dwellers by earthquake and eclipse: terror, forced respect, powerlessness, and surrender. Beyond explanation or entreaty, he simply is and probably will always be. If Peyton is 38 and playing at a high level, Brady is only 36.

He will be around. And thus, in that moment I became at peace with the football universe. It took fourteen years but I am finally broken.

Oh I still don't like Brady. But I will no longer go into games with the tiny hope that maybe possibly but not really the Dolphins can win. They'll lose and only hopefully not lose mightily. As I watched tailored answers smoothly fall from his supposedly hot super model mouth on TV--not the always seemingly sheepish Eli or hyper-Southern growl of Peyton or slightly aggravated Aaron Rodgers--I sat down on the bed, knowing what prisoners of a long sentence felt like.

Oh you'll get out of jail. One day. It will happen. But never forget, you are in hell. You'll be here awhile.

But hell would have no power if one could not dream of heaven. And today, heaven turned into more of a far fetched idea than a one day destination. A thought, one I could have and smile to myself on Tuesdays after the sting of the games have left but haven't begun anew in the new week, and nothing more.

It's bearable, if only temporary. Because come week 7 I'm going to care. I'm going to rage and string together obscenities that would melt a nun into the floor.

I'll be in hell. And I'll be ok with that.

Good Night and Good Luck.

[& hai RT17]

Hey Ry-Ry? I'm sort of struggling with this but...

I might be warming up to you.

Now I know, I know, it's only been six games. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I said 'might', ok? You're not the next Marino, hell I don't know if there ever *can* be a next Marino because Marino was just too much awesome in one package. But can you be serviceable? I think you can. I think. This is me trying to convince myself. You're starting to convince me. Maybe.

Look, Eli is still my derpy boo, Dolphins fan or no. Cause Bill Simmons to cry and you can be my 2nd derpy boo. Nothing else short of that.

We've pretty much seen winning more than four games an achievement. Maybe you can change that, but I'm proud of you over these last six weeks. And stuff. I can see you're learning and that's bawss. Just uh, don't do the magical Cam Newton Crash next year and we'll be cool, alright? Because that's some ratchet ass shit.  


P.S. Stop with the plaid shirts post game. I know you're from Texas but this is South Beach. Your girlfriend is model. Step yo game up.
P.P.S. Stop sticking out your tongue! You're going to bite it off! 
P.P.P.S. No, we're not going to the playoffs this year. But it's so cute that you think that :3

[& my life is a mess]

I went and looked at my sticky notes on my desk. In no particular order:

- Pey-pey needs to be a douche but not too much of a douche
- Nymiria Shepard Save 41 Mass Effect 2 last chance to refuse Garrus (but why would you...)
- Kilroy was here
- spray paint, cheese, duct tape, wooden dowels
- Don't touch the damn dragons (save 98)
- Don't heal this asshole
- Random phone numbers
- There is no InDesign, only Zuul
- Week2, Assign2 shading graphite #4 tree--go find tree asshole
- Week2 Assign3 charcoal household object--playstation controller
- Bot #49941 Work in Texas issue .*?\n((\w*\s*qualific|\w*\s*require).*?)\n(apply|please|for more).*
- I intend on partaking in this cornbread
- Feed the cats or they'll murder us in our sleep. Love, Panda

Yeah. I don't know about my life anymore.

Good Night and Good Luck.

[& wat]

So it is totally bad to watch sporting events and decide that you absolutely must have those cleats. Because they're shoes you see and they're cute.

I'm a girl. I promise. I *swear*.

Good Night and Good Luck.

[& NFL: and here...we...go!]

Giants/Cowboys game was Weds. but I was too busy doing homework and face-palming at the Giant's safeties and play calling. "HERP, let's run and get 0 yards and then have Eli throw and get a first down!" or "DERP! Prevent cover 2, let's let Romo throw checkdowns all night!" Seriously. You have a first ballot HoF QB under center. Notice when he got to call his own plays in the 2 minute drill you guys scored? Holy. Crap. Also their O-line was crap too--Eli is a gentle flower but he's my flower and if you let him get hurt so help me I will fly into a rage because that is my little awkward looking woobie.

The rest of the games I haven't been paying attention to other than the inevitable blow out that is going to be Dolphins @ Texans and the re-crowning of the other Manning. That sounds weird, calling him "the other Manning" but I figure it's time to let Eli be the pimp for the moment. I don't like the Steelers but I don't like the Broncos either. I however love Peyton so there you go.

Still, I'm going 44-10 Texans because I...yeah.

Tannehill seems like a good guy. Looks a little like Cro-Mag Tom Brady (which still makes me frown) but works hard. Isn't too terrible. Problem is the rest of the team is butts and dongs. So until there's someone for him to throw to and the defense stops looking confused, the 'phins are 3-13. I don't want them to be 3-13 but I'm a realist. And even THAT seems to be too much to some ESPN analysts who put the Dolphins winning 1 game.

Thanks for that, made me totally feel better, guys.

I need to go make that Dan Carpenter jersey.

The sobbing you'll hear on Sunday is me, by the way. Or if you don't hear it, it's liquor saving me.

Good Night and Good Luck.